Getting In Touch With Christ, Destroying Your Enemies, Getting Over FOPO
The Disciple-Leader Newsletter #60
Discipleship
“If your Christianity sees kindness as weakness and compassion as compromise and treating with dignity those with whom you disagree as collaboration with the enemy, you have utterly lost touch with Christ.”1
Beth Moore
One of Satan’s most clever and common distortions of truth is the extremely popular idea in our culture that boldness, brashness, and assertiveness are justified—and even sometimes necessary—to project strength and power. Another truth-distortion is that being indifferent or even apoplectic to those who are different, even very different, is acceptable, because it shows fidelity to principle. Another is that to demonstrate loyalty to God, you mustn’t stop at merely dismissing sin, you must also dismiss the sinner.
But is this what Christ taught? Is this what Christ modeled?
The following are important questions to use as a self-reflection.
Do you see kindness as weakness?2
Do you see compassion as compromise?3
Do you see treating with dignity those with whom you disagree as collaboration with the enemy?4
If there is any hint of “yes” in your answer to these questions, it is time to repent. It is time to get back in touch with Jesus Christ.
One of the best ways I’ve found to reconnect with Christ and to reestablish clarity on what discipleship—as He defined it5—should look like is to prioritize honoring others.
Jesus said, “I, the Lord … delight to honor those who serve me in righteousness and in truth unto the end.”6
Jesus delights in honoring people.
What does it mean to honor someone?
Seattle-based pastor Judah Smith taught what it means. He said:
“Are you practicing the sacred act of worship called honor? Are you an honoring person? Are you honoring those around you? Are you honoring the relationships you are priveleged and gifted to have? Are you honoring your own body? Are you honoring the day that is a gift in front of you? Are you honoring the King? Are you honoring God? Are you walking in honor? …
“Romans 12:10 says, ‘Be devoted to tenderly loving your fellow believers as members of one family. Try to outdo yourselves in respect and honor of one another.’7
“From the best I can tell, there is only one area the New Testament Jesus-follower is called to be competitive. We are to compete in honor. The text says, ‘Try to outdo yourselves in honor.’ I’m supposed to honor you more than you honor me…
“The word honor here, my favorite definition in my study that I’ve come upon is to prize. Do you know what it means to honor someone? Oh sure, it means respect. It means recognizing the dignity of that person. But it means to prize. Outdo one another in prizing each other.
“Do we treat each other like a prize? Do we treat each other like we are walking, talking trophies of God’s grace? Do you look at me and see a trophy? Do I look at you and see a trophy?
“I believe in honor. I believe that every human being is the distinct design and prize of the Architect of the ages and should be treated accordingly.”8
Jesus honored you when He volunteered to take your place.9 Jesus honored you when He, seeing you10, suffered and atoned for every sin, every weakness, every shortcoming, and every affliction that you’ll ever experience.11 He honored you when He died and rose again. He honors you today. This moment. Right now. As you read this, you are on His mind.
He prizes you.
He cherishes you.
He loves you.
He honors you.12
Leadership
“Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”
Abraham Lincoln
Do you / would you enjoy having enemies?
I’m going to go out on a limb and assume your answer is “no”. But does your behavior reflect your answer?
We have many enemy-fostering behaviors. Even if we desire to eliminate enemies, our approach typically makes them stronger. Debating, arguing with, and trying to outsmart or “own” your enemies/opponents will only push them further into enemy territory.
Following the conclusion of the Civil War, Lincoln was chastised by an elderly lady. She called him out for being too soft on the Southerners and not calling them “irreconcilable enemies who must be destroyed.”13
Lincoln replied, “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”14
With a mindset like that, it’s little wonder why Abraham Lincoln—who presided over the United States at its most polarized time—is regarded as its most unifying president.15
One Lincoln biographer wrote about his leadership philosophy.
“Rather than upbraid slaveowners, Lincoln sought to comprehend their position through empathy. More than a decade earlier, he had employed a similar approach when he advised temperance advocates to refrain from denouncing drinkers in ‘thundering tones of anathema and denunciation,’ for denunciation would inevitably be met with denunciation, ‘crimination with crimination, and anathema with anathema.’ In a passage directed at abolitionists as well as temperance reformers, he had observed that it was the nature of man, when told that he should be ‘shunned and despised,’ and condemned as the author ‘of all the vice and misery and crime in the land,’ to ‘retreat within himself, close all the avenues to his head and his heart.’
Though the case be ‘naked truth itself, transformed to the heaviest lance, harder than steel,’ the sanctimonious reformer could no more pierce the heart of the drinker or the slaveowner than ‘penetrate the hard shell of a tortoise with a rye straw. Such is man, and so must he be understood by those who would lead him.’ In order to ‘win a man to your cause,’ Lincoln explained, you must first reach his heart, ‘the great high road to his reason.’ This, he concluded, was the only road to victory—to that glorious day ‘when there shall be neither a slave nor a drunkard on the earth.”16
The following is one of many examples of Lincoln embodying his philosophy.
“In 1855 Abraham Lincoln, then a lawyer in Illinois, was asked to participate in a patent infringement case involving McCormick, of reaper fame. Lincoln had been given a $400 retainer and was told he might actually argue the case, so he studied and went to Cincinnati for the trial. A lead lawyer in the case was a man named Edwin M. Stanton—a brilliant Pittsburgh lawyer.”17
Stanton, on first meeting with Lincoln, asked the man who Lincoln was planning on representing, “Why did you bring that d——d long-armed Ape here … he does not know anything and can do you no good.”18 Lincoln stayed at the same hotel as Stanton and the other attorneys, but he was never even asked to eat or to confer with them. Lincoln went home feeling insulted and “roughly handled by that man Stanton.”19
Despite Lincoln feeling insulted and offended by Stanton, he listened to Stanton during the case and admitted he was a highly skilled lawyer.
“Unimaginable as it might seem, after Stanton’s bearish behavior, at their next encounter six years later, Lincoln would offer Stanton ‘the most powerful civilian post within his gift’‚—the post of secretary of war (Yes, secretary of the Civil War). Lincoln’s choice of Stanton would reveal … a singular ability to transcend personal vendetta, humiliation, or bitterness. As for Stanton, despite his initial contempt for the long-armed Ape,’ he would not only accept the offer but come to respect and love Lincoln more than any person outside of his immediate family.”20
Years later, when Abraham Lincoln was pronounced dead, Horace Porter noted, “Stanton’s grief was uncontrollable. At the very mention of Mr. Lincoln’s name he would break down and weep bitterly.”21
John Hay wrote a letter to Stanton. In it, he remarked, “Not everyone knows as I do how close you stood to our lost leader, how he loved you and trusted you, and how vain were all the efforts to shake that trust and confidence, not lightly given and never withdrawn.”22
Perhaps this is why Jesus said to love your enemies. It is neither soft nor weak to love your enemy. Anybody can hate their enemy. It’s our default disposition. It takes a remarkable level of moral courage and strength to love your enemy.
Do you want to eliminate your enemies? Then love them.
Mental Performance
“You are not afraid of failing. You’re afraid of being seen failing.”23
James Pierce
Performance Psychologist Michael Gervais has coined the acronym “FOPO”. Fear Of People’s Opinions.
He writes:
“If you want to be your best and perform at a high level, fear of people’s opinions may be holding you back.
“Think about a time when you were extremely anxious — say, before standing up to publicly speak, raising your hand in a big meeting, or even walking through a room of strangers. The reason you felt small and scared and tense is you were worried about social disapproval.
“Our fear of other people’s opinions, or FOPO as I call it, has become an irrational and unproductive obsession in the modern world, and its negative effects reach far beyond performance.”24
One of the most effective and clarifying self-reflections is to ponder, “What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail?”
A better question, one more grounded in reality, is, “What would I do if I knew nobody would care if I failed?”
Social Scientist Arthur Brooks wrote, “The ironic thing about feeling bad about ourselves because of what people might think of us is that others actually have much fewer opinions about us—positive or negative—than we imagine. Studies show that we consistently overestimate how much people think about us and our failings, leading us to undue inhibition and worse quality of life. Perhaps your followers or neighbors would have a lower opinion of you if they were thinking about you—but they probably aren’t. Next time you feel self-conscious, notice that you are thinking about yourself. You can safely assume that everyone around you is doing more or less the same."25
One more quote to hammer this point home. This from Jerry Seinfeld.
“Everything that you’re worried about is going to be gone like that (*snaps his fingers). The people that are criticizing you, they are going to be gone, you’re going to be gone. All this hand-wringing, worry, and concern over, ‘How are people viewing me?’, ‘Someone said something bad about me’, and you get so upset about it, it’s wasted time and energy. Your only focus should be on getting better at what you’re doing. Focus on what you’re doing, get better at what you’re doing. Everything else is a complete waste of time.”26
Take a second. Imagine what you’d have the permission to do and the life you could live if you stopped allowing the opinions of people you never really see anyways hold you hostage. Think about it. Do you feel that? Doesn’t it feel great?
Now go.
Post on X. Beth Moore.
D&C 121:41-42. No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile.
John 8:3-11. The scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground. And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.
Matthew 9:10-13. Jesus eating with sinners. And it came to pass, as Jesus sat at meat in the house, behold, many publicans and sinners came and sat down with him and his disciples. And when the Pharisees saw it, they said unto his disciples, Why eateth your Master with publicans and sinners? But when Jesus heard that, he said unto them, They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick. But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.
Luke 22:49-51. Jesus healing the ear of a soldier arresting him. When they which were about him saw what would follow, they said unto him, Lord, shall we smite with the sword? And one of them smote the servant of the high priest, and cut off his right ear. And Jesus answered and said, Suffer ye thus far. And he touched his ear, and healed him.
Luke 23:34. Jesus forgiving his murderers while they are in the act of murdering him. Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.
Doctrine & Covenants 76:5
Romans 12:10; The Passion Translation
Daily Honor. Sermon by Judah Smith.
Abraham 3:27. And the Lord said: Whom shall I send? And one answered like unto the Son of Man: Here am I, send me.
Mosiah 15:10
Alma 7:11-13
Do you honor Him? Do you honor others?
3 Nephi 27:21. “Verily, verily, I say unto you, this is my gospel; and ye know the things that ye must do … for the works which ye have seen me do that shall ye also do; for that which ye have seen me do even that shall ye do.”
The 48 Laws of Power. Book by Robert Greene.
Strength to Love. Book by Martin Luther King Jr. Page 34.
Is Abraham Lincoln the Most Unifying President in U.S. History? The Atlantic. Article by Conor Friedersdorf.
Team of Rivals. Book by Doris Kearns Goodwin. Page 167-168.
Brim With Joy. Talk by Neal A. Maxwell
Team of Rivals. Book by Doris Kearns Goodwin. Page 174
Team of Rivals. Book by Doris Kearns Goodwin. Page 175
Horace Porter, as quoted in Team of Rivals. Book by Doris Kearns Goodwin. Page 743.
John Hay, as quoted in Team of Rivals. Book by Doris Kearns Goodwin. Page 743.
How to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think of You. HBR Article by Michael Gervais, Ph.D.
No One Cares! The Atlantic. Article by Arthur Brooks.