To Whom We Look, FOPO, The Physiological Effect of Your Beliefs
The Disciple-Leader Newsletter #41 // November 4, 2023
Discipleship. Leadership. Mental Performance.
DISCIPLESHIP
"If we look to created things to give us the meaning, hope, and happiness that only God himself can give, it will eventually break our hearts."
Tim Keller
In David Foster Wallace's popular commencement speech-turned-book, he gives his case for the importance of worshiping Deity and even argues that atheism doesn't exist.
"You get to decide what to worship. Because here’s something else that’s weird but true: in the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship ... is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It’s the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It’s been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness. Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out."
Recently, the beloved actor Matthew Perry passed away at the age of 54. Just one year prior, his autobiography was published. His words of warning, as it were, are as telling as his death is tragic. According to Perry, his own life serves as an embodiment of what Wallace wrote about. Here are a few statements from his book.
“I found myself getting to my knees, closing my eyes and praying. I had never done this before. ‘God, you can do whatever you want with me, just please make me famous.’ Three weeks later I got cast in ‘Friends,’ and God has certainly kept his side of the bargain—but the Almighty, being the Almighty, had not forgotten the first part of that prayer as well. Now, all these years later, I’m certain that I got famous so I would not waste my entire life trying to get famous. You have to get famous to know that it’s not the answer.”
“It was everything I thought I wanted. I was gonna fill all the holes with ‘Friends.’ . . . The attention that I always felt had eluded me was about to fill every corner of my life, like a room illuminated by a flash of lightning. People were going like me now. I was going to be enough.”
“I couldn’t believe what I was about to say, but I said it. I said, ‘You know what, Craig? It doesn’t do what we all thought it would. It doesn’t fix anything.’ (What a sobering thought for a 26-year-old who had only ever wanted fame and had only just realized that fame hadn’t filled the holes at all. No, what had filled the holes was vodka.) Craig stared at me; I don’t think he believed me—I still don’t think he believes me. I think you actually have to have all your dreams come true to realize they’re the wrong dreams.”
“I was a kid from Canada who had all his dreams come true. They were just the wrong dreams.”
Learn from Matthew Perry. Don't climb to the top of the ladder before realizing you're on the wrong ladder.
Worship God. Choose Jesus Christ. Get grounded, rooted, established, and settled about Him. And remember, "If, in the end, you have not chosen Jesus Christ it will not matter what you have chosen." - Neal A. Maxwell
LEADERSHIP
“We all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.”
Marcus Aurelius
You've heard of FOMO (fear of missing out), but have you heard of FOPO?
FOPO stands for Fear Of Others Opinions. Even if you haven't heard the acronym, it's likely you're acutely familiar with the feeling. We all are. It's part of the human condition. We care so much about what others think about us.
FOPO is toxic. It stifles so much potential. Recently, I applied for a job and was hired. What's funny, however, is that I almost didn't apply. My reasoning? I was a little unsure about whether or not I wanted the job, but the primary reason was that if I did get it, I was afraid of what others would think, particularly certain individuals already in the profession. I just knew they'd think, "Why is Aaron doing this? He's not qualified" or "Aaron is doing this? That's weird." I was fearful of their judgment.
What's even crazier? These people whose opinions I worried about are people I haven't talked to (or really even thought about) in over 5 years. 5 YEARS!
As lame as it sounds typing out, I'm sure you have similar experiences. FOPO is powerful. It infiltrates your mind and has a suffocating effect. It's goal? To stop you in your tracks. To get you to do nothing. It wants you to resist change. To hide.
A wise man once said: “If I wouldn’t invite someone into my house, I shouldn’t let them into my head.”
Here's the truth. Those individuals whose opinions I was worried about ... they actually don't care. Maybe they will think, "Interesting, that's weird that Aaron is doing this" but the thought will leave as quickly as it came. And that's that.
How do I know this? Because of you! You're not sitting at home thinking I'm an imposter for writing this newsletter. You're probably not even reading it, let alone judging me for it. You're also not thinking anybody else is an imposter. You're not dwelling on the shortcomings of someone else or how weird it is that they chose a certain path. You're way too busy thinking about yourself. So are they.
Social scientist Arthur Brooks wrote, "The ironic thing about feeling bad about ourselves because of what people might think of us is that others actually have much fewer opinions about us—positive or negative—than we imagine. Studies show that we consistently overestimate how much people think about us and our failings, leading us to undue inhibition and worse quality of life. Perhaps your followers or neighbors would have a lower opinion of you if they were thinking about you—but they probably aren’t. Next time you feel self-conscious, notice that you are thinking about yourself. You can safely assume that everyone around you is doing more or less the same."
MENTAL PERFORMANCE
"The beliefs that you hold fundamentally change the experience that you're about to have.”
Michael Gervais
In a 2011 study, participants were given an identical milkshake at two different times. One milkshake they were told was healthy and full of good nutrients. The other, they were told was an indulgent, high-calorie treat. The researchers wanted to see if the body metabolized the shake differently based on how it was perceived.
The results? When participants thought they were consuming the high-fat, high-calorie milkshake, ghrelin (the hunger hormone) levels dropped 3x more than when they partook of the "healthy" milkshake. When participants believed the shake had more calories, their bodies' response was to believe they were more full. Just the idea that one shake was supposed to be healthy and the other was supposed to be unhealthy altered how the body metabolized the shake. The mind, not the actual caloric intake, determined the physiological response.
The Hotel Study is another interesting one. This is from the study's abstract: "In a study testing whether the relationship between exercise and health is moderated by one's mind-set, 84 female room attendants working in seven different hotels were measured on physiological health variables affected by exercise. Those in the informed condition were told that the work they do (cleaning hotel rooms) is good exercise and satisfies the Surgeon General's recommendations for an active lifestyle. Examples of how their work was exercise were provided. Subjects in the control group were not given this information. Although actual behavior did not change, 4 weeks after the intervention, the informed group perceived themselves to be getting significantly more exercise than before. As a result, compared with the control group, they showed a decrease in weight, blood pressure, body fat, waist-to-hip ratio, and body mass index. These results support the hypothesis that exercise affects health in part or in whole via the placebo effect."
What both of these studies, along with many others, confirm is that your beliefs have a very real effect on your results. How you perceive every circumstance in your life really matters. Your perception creates your reality.
Are your beliefs serving or hurting you?
So goes your thoughts, so goes your perception.
So goes your perception, so goes your reality.
So goes your reality, so goes how you experience your life.
Be proactive and choose correct beliefs. Think powerfully and hopefully. Your mind is infinitely more powerful than you give it credit for and you are infinitely more capable of training your mind than you might think.
Disciple-Leadership: Jesus-led. Lead like Jesus.