The Book of Mormon, Reciprocal Liking, I Can Do All Things
The Disciple-Leader Newsletter #50 // January 6, 2024.
Discipleship. Leadership. Mental Performance.
DISCIPLESHIP
“I have noted within the Church the difference in discernment, in insight, in conviction, and in spirit between those who know and love the Book of Mormon and those who do not. That book is a great sifter.”
Ezra Taft Benson
I love the words President Benson uses here. Discernment. Insight. Conviction. Spirit.
Life.
"I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly" (John 10:10).
The reason that those who know and love the Book of Mormon live with distinctive levels of insight, conviction, and spirit is because the Lord imbues those who feast on The Book of Mormon with His power.
Joseph Smith taught, "A man would get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts, than by any other book."
Getting nearer to God, which is done most effectively through feasting on The Book of Mormon and applying its teachings, unleashes Christ's enlivening power. The power of the Holy Ghost flows through you and Christ lives in you.
Joseph Smith gave one of the best descriptions of this enlivening power. "The nearer man approaches perfection, the clearer are his views, and the greater his enjoyments, till he has overcome the evils of his life and lost every desire for sin; and like the ancients, arrives at that point of faith where he is wrapped in the power and glory of his Maker and is caught up to dwell with Him."
LEADERSHIP
"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary.”
Attributed to Oscar Wilde
Jesus' leadership philosophy stands in direct opposition to Wilde's. Jesus taught, "I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?" (Matthew 5:44-47).
Although I disagree with Wilde, he does illuminate a powerful lesson on human nature. We struggle to love those who treat us like we're ordinary.
We want to feel special.
Entrepreneur Mary Kay wrote, "Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, 'Make me feel important.' Never forget that message when working with people."
It's what we want most.
There is a concept in psychology called "Reciprocal Liking". Research has shown over and over again that we naturally like the people who like us.
One of the most sure-fire ways to make someone question whether or not you like them is to treat them like they're ordinary. In contrast, treat somebody like they are special, and they'll reciprocate.
One of my favorite ideas comes from the 17th-century theologian Thomas Traherne. He wrote, "No man ... that clearly seeth the beauty of God's face ... can when he sees it clearly, willingly, and wittingly forsake it." In other words, people don't forsake God because He has wronged them or has regarded them with contempt. Those who forsake Him might feel that way, but anyone who has clearly seen God, or in other words has accurately understood and come to know Him, would never forsake Him. Because if they saw Him clearly, they'd understand that He loves them perfectly, only acts in their best interest, and has invested everything into them. He does not treat anyone as if they are ordinary. If they knew God, they'd experience reciprocal liking to the highest degree. This is why prophets like Abinidi, Stephen, Peter, Paul, and Joseph Smith chose death in an excruciating manner before they'd even think about forsaking Him. They had seen Him clearly.
There is a correlation between our clarity of God and our love for Him. The more we know Him the more we love Him. This same principle applies to people. The clearer you see someone, the more you'll love them.
Do you see others clearly?
Here are two principles to see others more clearly, and ultimately treat them more special.
Treat Others As If They Were Jesus
Don't worship them. That type of behavior towards others is reserved only for The Father and The Son. But besides that, treat others as if they were Jesus.
How would you treat your neighbor if it was Jesus?
This principle is taught repeatedly in scripture.
"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God" (Mosiah 2:17).
"For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in. Naked, and ye clothed me. I was sick, and ye visited me. I was in prison, and ye came unto me. Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungered, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me" (Matthew 25).
"The guest is God" (Taittiriya Upanishad).
In God's eyes, anything we do for someone else is regarded as if we did it for Him. That's how He sees others.
Is that how you see others? Is that how you treat others?
See Others As They May Become
Here's an insight into how President Nelson sees others. He wrote, "Many years ago, I was invited to be a visiting professor of surgery in the People's Republic of China. Upon meeting and becoming well acquainted with my host, Dr. Zhang, I found myself picturing him in white baptismal clothing. Then, when I met Dr. Zhang's wife, I couldn't help but think of the two of them dressed in white in the temple together. I realized these thoughts were not practical, as I was not permitted to talk about the gospel while in China and I strictly adhered to that rule. Nonetheless, over the course of many trips to China, Dr. Zhang and I became dear friends."
Eventually, Dr. Zhang wrote President Nelson a letter expressing that after his 70 years of life, the only way of living that made sense to him was "Dr. Nelson's". He and his wife moved to Toronto, learned the gospel, and were baptized and eventually sealed in the temple.
How President Nelson saw them changed how he treated them. He saw them for who they could become. This ability is trained through practice. Every person you see and interact with, think of them as who they may become. Really work at it. Sometimes, like President Nelson seeing them in white, it can help to visualize something while looking at them. Here are a couple of ideas.
See Them As Someone Who Honors Covenants With God. Even if they aren't at the moment. President Monson wrote, "In one particular meeting, N. Eldon Tanner ... told of a missionary who had been the most successful missionary whom he had met in all of the interviews he had conducted. He said that as he interviewed that missionary, he said to him, 'I suppose that all of the people whom you baptized came into the Church by way of referrals.' The young man answered, 'No, we found them all by tracting.' Brother Tanner asked him what was different about his approach—why he had such phenomenal success when others didn’t. The young man said that he attempted to baptize every person whom he met. He said that if he knocked on the door and saw a man smoking a cigar and dressed in old clothes and seemingly uninterested in anything—particularly religion—the missionary would picture in his own mind what that man would look like under a different set of circumstances. In his mind he would look at him as clean-shaven and wearing a white shirt and white trousers. And the missionary could see himself leading that man into the waters of baptism. He said, 'When I look at someone that way, I have the capacity to bear my testimony to him in a way that can touch his heart.'
See Them For Who They Can Ultimately Become. C.S. Lewis wrote, "It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship ... It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal."
Realize What Someone Needs Most. This quote was written earlier, but it's so important it warrants repeating. "Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, 'Make me feel important.' Never forget that message when working with people."
Train yourself to see others as they really are and for who they may become. Pray for it. Work at it. Become the person who helps others see things in themselves they had never before seen.
MENTAL PERFORMANCE
"You have to have such a strong belief in yourself that you can quiet out all the outside noise. You're going to need that every step of the way. There are people who are projecting their fears and shortcomings and failures on you. You have to be very careful with that. People will tell you you can't do that. Why can't I? Because they may have tried or they don't believe that they can do it and it's not really about you, it's about what they feel and their fear inside. So you have to be strong enough and resilient to believe in whatever it is you're trying to do."
Jay-Z
Kobe Bryant wasn't always good at basketball.
"(When I was 10) I was in a very prominent summer league in Philadelphia called The Sunny Hill where my father and uncle played and they were all-time greats. Here I come and I don't score one point the entire summer. I was terrible."
If his embarrassing performance wasn't damaging enough to his hoop dreams, he recalls a conversation he had with a school counselor: "I had a counselor, a guidance counselor. He asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said I wanted to be an NBA player, I was probably 10 years old. He said, ‘You know, that’s not very realistic,’ and I said, ‘Well, this is what I want to be."
But the counselor insisted, ”I think you should be something else.”
If Kobe had taken this advice to heart, the world would've been robbed of one of the greatest basketball players of all time.
Look, the counselor had good intentions. A 10-year-old Kobe who hadn't scored 1 point the whole summer was probably a kid who didn't seem naturally athletic or gifted. Hearing someone like that say they want to play in the NBA might've seemed laughable to this counselor. But Kobe had a level of self-belief matched only by his work ethic. And he became great.
You might be thinking, "Yeah, but he also turned out to be 6'6". True, but what about 5'7 Spud Webb? What about 6'2, unathletic Jimmer Fredette? Remember, Kobe scored 0 points as a 10-year-old. Now we have top 100 rankings for ten-year-olds. And mixtapes. Kobe didn't get one bucket!
I know in my own life, I have cheated myself out of working for something because it was "unrealistic". As humans, we hide behind the unrealistic excuse way too often. Maybe, in a small amount of cases, it is true. But the rule leans much more towards the side of "realistic, if you put in the work."
Marcus Aurelius said, "If something is humanly possible, it's attainable by you too." Do you believe that? If you don't, repent. Change your mind. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
So how do you achieve your goal? How do you become what you might feel is unrealistic to become? Follow the example of someone who has done it before. Someone who went from scoring 0 points all summer to a Hall of Famer. Kobe Bryant.
"At the end of every day, look in the mirror and ask yourself, 'Did I get better today?' Did you get better today? Whatever it is, it's just taking small steps. You don't try to get it all done in one day, in one week, in one year. It's the process of getting better every day and doing that for a period of years that then create the masterpiece."
Disciple-Leadership: Jesus-led. Lead like Jesus.